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Monday, 24 November 2008

  • 1+1=1?

    I have not arrived. I recently had a reality check in which I was reminded that I still have a lot to learn. I think about marriage a lot... especially lately. I have a lot of ideas about the relationship and the way things should be, but somehow I missed something big. I have changed some plans and ideas about my future because of the person I want to spend it with- which I'm pretty sure is normal... However, changing ideas and changing the whole way you think is two completely separate things. I have been changing ideas... but I have not been thinking for two people. I have not grasped this whole "team work" concept. This became ridiculously obvious to me last night during a conversation where it was shown to me that I have been thinking only of myself. When confronted with this, I tried to change the idea of what I wanted to incorporate what he wanted, but was met with this idea that it's not about finding a place where we can each do our own thing- it's about doing everything together. In case you can't tell by my rambling, I still don't quite grasp the idea... but I'm trying.

Monday, 06 October 2008

  • Canton

    So Saturday morning I got up in a crack... correction, at a crack.... the crack of dawn to be specific. I met up with my boyfriend and his married friends in Longview for a long-awaited trip to Canton. Boyfriend and Married Friends had never been to Canton before. I don't think they really grasped what I meant by "it's humongous" until they were there. We all tried to stay together in the beginning, but walking around with a newly wed couple, one realizes very quickly that the interests of those who are married and have a home to furnish are very different from the average dating couple. We split up and the day was spent looking at all sorts of randomness, nicknacks, antiques, junk, and whatever seemed amusing.

    Sometime during the afternoon Boyfriend and I decided to stop and eat some of the very healthy carnie food that was present. There weren't any available tables for sitting, so we popped a squat on a bridge that was full of other people with the same idea we had. I had ordered a hamburger and when Boyfriend brings it over, I open it up and see that there is mayonaise on it.... I don't eat mayonaise... so Boyfriend, being a sweetie, immediately takes the hamburger back and rights the situation. He comes back with my nice and dry hamburger, and we decide that we are in need of ketchup... so Boyfriend gets up again to run and get ketchup.   I failed to mention that when we first came over to the bridge an older lady invited us to come join the crowd (in a friendly manner). During Boyfriend's second trip up (to get the ketchup), Friendly Lady looks over at me, smiles, and says "you two must not be married"... I look at her questioningly and she continues "when you get married, all of that changes and they aren't so apt to run and serve you"... at this point another bridge lady hears the conversation and asks what we are talking about to which Friendly Lady relates the events of Boyfriend making two trips to make the meal work after having waited in line while I sat on the bridge... after hearing this story, Other Bridge Lady says "you go, girl" and Friendly Lady says "you should take advantage of that while you still have it"... a remark that is seconded by Other Bridge Lady. I didn't know what to say in respsonse so I just kind of laughed.

    Later on, I told Boyfriend about the encounter with the bridge ladies. His response: "How about you don't take advantage of me, and I will try not to change and always treat you this way."

    It seems a shame to hear that people treat each other better when they are dating than when they are married. It seems backwards to me. I would think that when married, it would be more of a priority to serve each other, and not only that, but over time it should get better because of trial and error in learning what the other person likes and appreciates the most. I hope that when I become a wife, I continue to learn and practice being a better wife everyday so that my husband never looks back and wishes that I treated him the way I once did.

Monday, 08 September 2008

  • An anniversary of sorts

    So, today is a pretty significant day for me. It's a day of remembering from where I've come and how much I have changed. You see, exactly ten years ago, on September 8, 1998 I made a decision that has forever changed the course of my life. I chose to commit my life to the Lord.

    I used to think that my life hadn't changed very much in inviting the Lord into my heart, but looking back now, I can see how wrong that view was. I was never a rebellious child, never seeped into some dark sin... there are no wild days or big regrets to mark my time before I met Jesus. I was a pretty good kid. I accepted Christ because I figured out early on that no matter what I did, my life tended towards turmoil and I needed someone greater than me to get through it. I was looking for hope that things could be better.

    It's funny how little I understood myself and life back then. I was wise for my age, but still so naive. I really thought that someday things would work out. I didn't get that God doesn't promise an easy life. That hardships will keep coming and that throughout life I will have to continue to persevere and grow and change. It's hard. That's just it. Things come my way that I don't have the strength to get through, but God didn't say that I would always be strong enough... He said that He would be my strength.

    I can say with certainty that who I was ten years ago is not at all the person that I am now. My understanding of my place in the world, who I am in Christ, who Christ is, and what my purpose is have all undergone quite the makeover. God is changing me. He is changing my heart. I know more scripture, I understand more scripture, and I see Him in more everyday things now than I did before. I still struggle. I struggle a lot actually. Maybe more now than I did then because I am aware of more now.

    In ten years, God has...
    • taught me that He is kind
    • showed me what it really means to love without condition
    • taught what love is
    • opened my eyes to see that God is more than just words on a page, but living and breathing and at work all around me
    • taught me that people are sinners... all people... me especially... and I have no right to judge or condemn anyone
    • taught me that it is ok to be sad
    • taught me that it is ok to hurt
    • taught me that it is ok to cry
    • taught me that it is ok to need help and ask for it
    • revealed at least part of His will for my life
    • given me a passion for missions in Germany
    • taught me that there is more to life than just what I can see
    I've learned more than that. I could go on for a long time about the lessons God has taught me over the past ten years... the struggles I've had with believing His word, believing His existence, believing He loves me... Some of the things He taught me, I'm still learning... I'm still accepting... I still have such a long way to go. It's exciting though. I know that He is going to take care of me. I hope that in ten years I will have changed that much more and come that much closer to knowing and relating to our God in the way that He intended me to.

Thursday, 17 July 2008

  • evil in my heart

    The evil is that so many things- some bigger than others- has been floating around my head for so long now that I hurt so much that I've become hideously selfish and want to make everyone else feel the hurt I feel. And while I wouldn't... the thought alone is the same as if I did. So I walk around this wretched, selfish being, with evil in my heart and guilt that covers it.Why didn't you stop me from turning out this way?

    What's sad is that even though I'm lonely, and tempted all the time with things I've never really had the opportunity to do, and there is stress from different angles coming at me, this is really one of the better summers I've had... so why don't I act that way? God has blessed me with some precious time to spend with my dad... a job... an opportunity to repair some of the damage I did at school last year... friends who still care even if I don't call... and a man who loves me even though I don't deserve him.

    I feel like I've come full circle and I'm back at step one. Once again I find myself in need of the savior... not from my life, but from myself. Someone to take my hurt, my dissapointment, and my selfishness... someone to love me enough to not let me stay this way... someone to take up the thought room in my head so that it can be filled with those things that are righteous rather than the crap that is currently residing in that space and overflowing into my life.

    Take me, make me
    All You want me to be
    That's all I'm asking, all I'm asking

    Welcome to this heart of mine
    I've buried under prideful vines
    Grown to hide the mess I've made
    Inside of me
    Come decorate, Lord
    Open up the creaking door
    And walk upon the dusty floor
    Scrape away the guilty stains
    Until no sin or shame remain
    Spread Your love upon the walls
    And occupy the empty halls
    Until the man I am has faded
    No more doors are barricaded


    Come inside this heart of mine
    It's not my own
    Make it home
    Come and take this heart and make it
    All Your own
    Welcome home

    Take a seat, pull up a chair
    Forgive me for the disrepair
    And the souvenirs from floor to ceiling
    Gathered on my search for meaning
    Every closet's filled with clutter
    Messes yet to be discovered
    I'm overwhelmed, I understand
    I can't make this place all that You can

Monday, 07 July 2008

  • unexpected greatness

    Today was unexpected greatness. I wasn't really looking forward to today... dad wasn't back... had to start Spanish 2 which I wasn't looking forward to (I'm sure you understand why). I had nothing to do... no work.. no homework... and was planning on it being an average day. 

    So I wake up this morning, stumble into the living room, am greeted by Addie who jumps in my lap, and find that my cousins are there in the living room. So we all sit around and talk which is nice... then they leave (well, just Evan and his gf, but still...) So the house is back to normal, with me and daniel in the livingroom when he's just like : "I really want iced coffee from Starbucks."

    me: "I miss Starbucks."

    Daniel: "why?"

    me: "They make their drinks with milk."

    Daniel: "You can order it to be made with soy instead."

    me: "No way."

    Daniel: "I bet they do."

    me: "I SO don't believe you."

    Daniel: "If they do, I'll buy your drink."

    me: "Let's go."

    Yeah, so Starbucks makes drinks with soymilk... and they are better than with regular milk in my opinion... so that was cool... partially because it was really awesome to discover I can still have Starbucks... partially because I've never gone anywhere with my cousin without it being with my aunt... and partially because he paid.

    Then, as if Starbucks weren't enough, he invited me to go with him and a friend to see Hancock. Yeah... I got to go to the movies.. not by myself.. it was awesome! The movie wasn't how I expected it to be, but still good. Plus, I just felt so happy to be included in something by him... yeah... I guess I'm lame like that... still wanting my older cousin to think I'm cool enough to hang out with...

    So like right after getting back, I had to go to class... not bad... seriously, I think this session is going to be better... not easier, but I think I won't feel so stupid all the time... I have a better professor I think.

    Then, after class, I am driving home and it had been raining, and I'm supposed to stop, but can't because the road is slick and my breaks aren't the best... so I hit the car in front of me... and two guys jump out, run around and look at their car, see a small dent, look at me and say, "it's cool, don't worry about it." Yeah. How sweet is that? And as best as I could tell in the dark, Baby wasn't even hurt by it.

    How great of a day is that? Catching up with the fam, Starbucks, a movie with Daniel, class being better than expected, AND not getting in trouble even though I had a wreck... thanks God.

drivingnowhereonpurpose

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    • Name: Amber
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    • Member Since: 11/13/2007

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About Me

  • Wishing on a falling star that I might find a place to call home. I know that my savior Jesus Christ loves me and right now I am just longing to be with Him. I know that I am called to be a foreign missionary in Germany and I look forward to the day when I can minister there through relationships. Until then I am learning as much as I can and trying hard to just make it through this crazy whirlwind called life.

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